teetheyes | (no subject)

What the hell is that bullshit I did yesterday? I feel sick to my stomach, as if I can't wring my fucking guts out enough. I feel fucking dirty. He remembers it too, I can tell by how he won't look at me. I don't even want to look in a fucking mirror right now. I know they're gone, blue eyes, beautiful blue eyes, mad city wouldn't even give me a fucking chance to cut them out myself. They were MY eyes, above all I have the right to take them. I feel weak and ashamed, easily consumed by what could have been, even if it was a dream in itself. Just a sick and twisted fantasy (I don't want to even think about whose fantasy). Never in a million years, never in my two fucking millenia, a Constantine.

I don't prefer this place to My Lord, I do not, but I enjoy the freedom of the waking world, not to sit in my citadel alone on the edge of nightmare, not to rub elbows with the rest of the court in the castle. I will always be your first defense, no matter where I am, Master. But I want to live too, and no one trusts me to do that, not even this city. To take what I want and spin it so that even it too fails as a dream, what's everyone trying to fucking tell me?

If you spoke to me or even saw me yesterday: I do not want to talk about it.

((OOC: strikes deleted, hackable with determination))