I figure you're probably so angry with yourself right now that you can't decide whether you want to kill something just so you can feel again or whether you want something to kill you, just so you can feel again.
And in facing him you become that much better equipped for the next time.
The darkness? It's like being an alcoholic, Corinthian. You're never cured and if you start thinking you're above it, then you're in trouble. But if you face it, each time and you make it through to the other side, either on your own or because people who care about you haul your ass through the knothole backwards ... then you count it a win and you fight on.
Because it was a deities be damned curse and the rule books go out the windows with those things because they're more powerful than any of us in here and if anyone in this City wants to claim that doesn't scare the shit out of them then they're a liar.
Remember how it feels right now and how much you don't like it and that's going to help you the next time, because you don't want to be here again, do you?
I'm always here, Jack. I'm always here because I was made this way. I was killed for it and made again. I have a piece of it inside me, like a fucking reminder. You have your nightmares, I have this.
I make every ill in the universe my responsibility. I try to take care of everyone in my life while pushing everyone away because I have an over active guilt complex that begs to be feed.
I don't sleep, I keep desperately busy trying to hide from the memories because I don't yet know how to deal with them except to die over and over again, until I've bled 1392 times in the desperate effort to balance the scales of blood that will never be equal, until I learn to forgive myself and let go of the past.
I'm not there yet, Cori. In the meantime, it's just bearable. Sometimes more bearable due to the love and care of close friends, sometimes near intolerable due to the hard words of misunderstandings.
Blue's strong and he has you, that'll help work through all this.
No. There was a time when I would and did but it doesn't really solve anything. Much more worth it to stand and watch the stars above, feel the warm spring breeze on my body, smell the hints of leaves, flowers and grass waking up from their long winter's sleep.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 10:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 10:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 11:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 11:06 pm (UTC)All right, listen ... never mind. I'm sorry, Cori but it's because I care about you damn it.
Just don't be too stupid or if you have to be that stupid, call me.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 11:11 pm (UTC)Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:13 pm (UTC)Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:14 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:16 pm (UTC)You've seen some of my darkness, Cori. Do you really think I'm going to judge or condemn your's?
Who's eyes did we look through that night?
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:22 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:28 pm (UTC)And in facing him you become that much better equipped for the next time.
The darkness? It's like being an alcoholic, Corinthian. You're never cured and if you start thinking you're above it, then you're in trouble. But if you face it, each time and you make it through to the other side, either on your own or because people who care about you haul your ass through the knothole backwards ... then you count it a win and you fight on.
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:32 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:35 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:41 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:44 pm (UTC)Good.
Cori, you know as well as I do how this works. You don't get complacent. You can't afford to.
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:51 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:53 pm (UTC)Remember how it feels right now and how much you don't like it and that's going to help you the next time, because you don't want to be here again, do you?
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-02 11:56 pm (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-03 12:00 am (UTC)There for a reason.
So we don't do it again.
I remember every metallic taste of it, Corinthian and I know I'll fight tooth and nail not to go back to living that horror show again.
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-03 12:03 am (UTC)Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-03 12:16 am (UTC)I make every ill in the universe my responsibility. I try to take care of everyone in my life while pushing everyone away because I have an over active guilt complex that begs to be feed.
I don't sleep, I keep desperately busy trying to hide from the memories because I don't yet know how to deal with them except to die over and over again, until I've bled 1392 times in the desperate effort to balance the scales of blood that will never be equal, until I learn to forgive myself and let go of the past.
I'm not there yet, Cori. In the meantime, it's just bearable. Sometimes more bearable due to the love and care of close friends, sometimes near intolerable due to the hard words of misunderstandings.
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-03 12:23 am (UTC)You weren't thinking of jumping just for the hell of it were you?
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-03 12:28 am (UTC)No. There was a time when I would and did but it doesn't really solve anything. Much more worth it to stand and watch the stars above, feel the warm spring breeze on my body, smell the hints of leaves, flowers and grass waking up from their long winter's sleep.
Re: Private!
Date: 2008-04-03 12:38 am (UTC)It turns into just another number after a while.
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